Honoring the Boundaries in Others

Boundary work doesn’t stop with ourselves. It also includes honoring the boundaries others set with us, and when possible, celebrating them. Because boundaries aren’t just something to “put up with” or “respect.” They’re invitations to deepen trust.

Think back to the earlier example I shared, about a friend who respected my boundary when I said I couldn’t hang out. Her response deepened my love for her. It made me feel seen and safe. We get to give that same gift to others.

But this can be hard, especially if you're an overthinker, or if your nervous system interprets distance or unmet expectations as rejection. Depending on our attachment styles, we might spiral, wondering if we did something wrong, over-texting for reassurance, or struggling to believe someone’s boundary isn’t secretly about us.

It’s rarely malicious. But here’s the truth:

The reaction we have to someone else’s boundary is a mirror.
It reflects something about us, not about them.

Just like we have to get comfortable holding our own boundaries, especially when it’s uncomfortable, we need to get just as comfortable letting others hold theirs. Without requiring justification. Without demanding a reason.

So if someone says, “I can’t go out tonight,” even though you had plans, your first instinct might be to ask, “Why?” or expect an explanation that makes it feel okay. But boundary work invites you to pause, hold that reaction, and say instead:

“Thanks for being honest with me.”

Then, take your questions and discomfort somewhere safe (a journal, a therapist, a trusted friend) and reflect: What is this bringing up for me? Why does this feel hard to receive?

Rooted in Our Past

Often, our discomfort is rooted in past experiences or internalized narratives, not the current situation.

I had a moment with my kids that reminded me of this. We moved recently, and our new school commute is a little longer. One morning, we were running behind, and I was snapping a bit, not yelling, but clearly stressed and impatient. On the way to school, I apologized and told them I was sorry for being short.

One of them asked, “Why are you so upset about being late?”

And honestly? I didn’t really know.

But I told them:

“When I was younger, I remember feeling like being late was a really bad thing. I don’t remember exactly why. No one specifically made me feel that way. But it stuck.”

And then one of my daughters said,

“When someone comes in late to our classroom, we all clap for them.”

They celebrate the fact that person showed up.

I cried. Right there in the car.

Now, I won’t say I never get frustrated when we’re running behind, but that interaction softened something in me. It gave me space to reframe. And I’ve gotten better about it. The truth is: in every one of those frantic mornings, we hadn’t even been late.

We often react out of inherited patterns. And when someone else holds a boundary that brushes up against one of those patterns, it can trigger us. But that’s our work, not theirs.

Honoring Feedback That’s Really a Boundary

Another moment that stands out for me came during a work transition. I was handing off a project to a colleague. There was a lot of ambiguity about where the project was headed, and we were receiving mixed signals from leadership. I was told to move forward with a task, so I did, assuming she’d be fine with it.

She wasn’t.

She messaged me and let me know, very directly but kindly, that she didn’t appreciate me making a decision that affected her time without checking in.

And you know what? She was right.

I thanked her for her honesty, apologized for overstepping, and genuinely appreciated her trust in giving that feedback. That kind of directness isn’t easy, especially across hierarchies. At the time, I had a manager title and had been at the company longer.

There was a version of me, not that long ago, who might have gotten defensive.

“I was just trying to help!”
“You’re too sensitive!”
“I didn’t mean it like that!”

But intention isn’t the same as impact.

Her willingness to name her boundary clearly, and my ability to receive it without defensiveness, deepened our working relationship. She didn’t just draw a line. She modeled what trust and respect can look like in real-time.

That’s boundary work too.

Honoring Boundaries Makes Creating Boundaries For Yourself Easier.

The more that we practice honoring the boundaries set by others the easier it becomes to set boundaries ourselves as well, if we do so with intention and we notice the impacts.

We are showing others that we trust them.
We trust that they are not going to hurt us.
We trust that they are being honest.

If they were going to hurt us, be dishonest with us, that is information as well. Data that tells us who they are. And we can then determine if that person should continue to have access to us.

Imagine this: you have plans with a friend to go to dinner and movie, you’ve been looking forward to seeing them, you already have the tickets in hand.

They call you and tell you that they can’t make it to the movie. Maybe they even start explaining why, you can tell that they are feeling distressed.

If you stopped them and said “you don’t need to justify it, it’s okay. I’ll miss you, but we’ll find another time. Just take care of yourself tonight.”

You hear that achy sigh of relief on the other end of the line, and in that moment, you’ve done more than respect their boundary. You’ve made yourself a safer place. A place where honesty is met with compassion, not interrogation.

That’s the kind of presence we all deserve.