Authenticity Isn’t Easy (And That’s the Point)

Authenticity is an elusive and vulnerable experience. Both within yourself, and when you come across it in others.

I remember meeting a very eager new girlfriend of a friend. I was initially a little turned off by her energy. I didn’t know why. She didn’t say or do anything that was off putting, rude, or insulting. 

But the more I looked inward at my reaction to her presence the more I came to realize that she was incredibly authentic and true to herself. She asked you things that she genuinely wanted to know about you, she truly listened to your responses, and she shared openly about herself, her experiences, and her beliefs. 

She was so unapologetically herself.
And I hated it, because I wasn’t.

She “turned me off” because I wasn’t being authentic. I wasn’t being true to myself in ways I didn’t even realize. Her realness felt, to me, like she was walking around naked. That kind of truth felt so exposed and vulnerable. Like, woah woah woah, you can’t just be waving your true self around like that.

This aversion to authenticity is baked deeply into our culture. 
Consumerist, capitalist societies benefit when we’re inauthentic.

Because being inauthentic contributes to depression, anxiety, and isolation. It causes us to buy junk we don’t need, spend money we don’t have, and removes us from community while perpetuating a “hero” or “winner” individualistic mindset.

This individualist, “winner-takes-all” mindset isn’t just exhausting, it’s isolating. And it’s not neutral.

Black women, in particular, have long named the harm of this model and offered alternative ways of being. Ways that center community, interdependence, shared care, and mutual thriving. That’s not to pedestal Black women or flatten that experience into something universally positive, it’s to acknowledge that in many spaces where authenticity felt impossible, they were already creating spaces where it could live.

And while those spaces weren’t always recognized or resourced, they were real. They are real. They remind us that authenticity doesn’t have to mean going it alone.

“Just Be Yourself” Isn’t Helpful.

We hear a lot of people pushing this “You just need to be your authentic self” rhetoric like it is a bolt of lightning meant to wake you up. There is a lot of talk about how important it is and what it can mean for your life. But it really isn’t as simple as just “being” your authentic self. 

What society often means by “be yourself” is really: be yourself, but only within the confines of what’s socially acceptable to power.

The fact is, being authentic takes work, it takes practice, and it takes a fair bit of courage.

Really, how difficult can it be to “just” be yourself? 
Really difficult. 

Especially for many marginalized individuals, when being yourself is something that society will openly punish you for. And those of us with neurodivergence have spent a not-insignificant chunk of our lives trying not to be ourselves, trying to find ways to fit-in, constantly second-guessing ourselves and our initial reactions and feelings. We no longer trust ourselves to know ourselves, let alone understand the work it takes to be ourselves. 

Authenticity makes us visible. And visibility is vulnerable.

Why does authenticity make us flinch? 

Because it means being known, really known (and potentially rejected), for who we are. 
Not for the mask.
Not for the shape we’ve twisted ourselves into, but for what’s underneath. 
Rejecting a persona we have created feels safer than rejecting us as we truly are.
And depending on your identity, your body, your history… visibility can come at a cost. 

Authenticity can be dangerous.

It’s no accident that marginalized communities, especially the trans community, face backlash.
Because being unapologetically yourself in a world built on rigid norms is an act of rebellion. It sparks rage in those who have buried themselves to belong.

Look at corporate “professionalism.”
Look at dress codes, hair discrimination, speech policing.
Authenticity has never been evenly protected.
It’s still a risk.

Authenticity isn’t "safe" yet.
And it never will be until we all step into alignment and heal ourselves.

Authenticity and Alignment Go Hand-in-Hand

They feed each other.

Authenticity shows us who we are.

Alignment shows us what’s worth protecting.

We don’t need isolation, hustle, perfection, or extra gadgets.
We need more realness.

Reflective Questions:

• What do you feel when you witness someone truly being themselves?

• Have you ever mistaken someone’s confidence or sincerity for “too much”? Why do you think that is?